Nothing is Not
by Mairemor
Summary: Claude Crane has a close encounter with Chuck Norris and a rare new species to boot !


Weekly One Shot Challenge Week 11 Complete

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest man"

A/N The SVM Characters are not mine. I only take them out to play. Warning...many Chuck Norris "facts" included : }

**Nothing is Not**

Claude Crane was in seventh heaven. He had given himself the best birthday present ever! He gazed up at the framed picture of Walker, Texas Ranger in his office and knew that he would now die happy. Because of a substantial contribution to his latest charity, Claude would get to camp in the wilds of the Louisiana Bayou with the macho-man's, macho man Chuck Norris. He trembled with ecstasy –tonight, he and Chuck would share a tent. He sighed as he reread the news article for the umpteenth time:

Shreveport LA

In his weekly press conference, famed action hero, martial artist and humanitarian Chuck Norris has expressed his desire that all red blooded Louisianans support his campaign to save the tiny endangered tree frog Rana Norrista named in his honor. Norris declared that his great love, commonly believed to be his late horse Tulip, is the preservation of this small gastric brooding species which births its young from its mouth. Norris took up the frogs' cause, during recent filming in the Bayou, when a tiny frog took refuge in his virile facial hair to birth its fully formed young. Local environmentalist Dr. James Blunt enthused, " Those little frogs vomiting out little frogs in Mr. Norris's beard have been a godsend to the preservation of this rare, endangered species!" Anyone wishing to support this cause can pledge a donation at Chat UPCHUCK . The largest contributors will have an opportunity to camp in the virgin wilderness Rana Norrista inhabits and share a tent with Mr. Norris as our team films and studies the species.

Claudine had been a bit worried about Claude's five-digit contribution.

"There are so many better charities. Can you really contribute so much?"

Claude just tossed his beautiful hair back and snorted, " Is Clay Aiken_ gay?_ This is a my destiny."

Claudine bit her lip nervously, " Um Claude, Chuck Norris bats for the other team…He isn't into the Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal tent action…it's just nonsensical to think…"

Claude just crossed his arms, a devilish smile playing across his perfect lips, "Oh, I wouldn't say that! A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest man."

Claudine rolled her eyes, " What is that supposed to mean?"

Claude smiled dreamily, "Nothing at all sis, nothing at all."

Several hours later Claude found himself on an island deep in the swamps three hours south of Shreveport.

The crew had already set up tents and equipment and eagerly awaited the arrival of the man whose chest hair had chest hair.

A hush fell over the camp as a pontoon boat approached.

Claude put on his most manly face and hoped Chuck would appreciate his rippilicious abs and glutes "My god approaches…" he whispered reverently.

Happy to meet his biggest contributor, Chuck shook hands and hunkered down next to the fire where a lackey grilled steaks. Claude was only too happy to hunker down right next to him.

"Glad to meet a man in such peak physical condition, a real man willing to put his muscle and his money, behind a good cause, not like the little unisex fairy men the eurofags export over here! Now let's talk frogs!" Norris monologued while Claude nodded vigorously and made affirmative noises for the next twenty minutes while the cameras rolled, after which Chuck threw Claude a pair of waders and they slogged through the swamp looking for traces of Rana Norrista.

Norris nostrils flared ." Here smell this leaf Claude. The male leaves a very pungent odor to attract its mate, ", "a cross between old socks and corn chips." But Claude's nostrils were full of Chuck's manly aroma.

When they finally got back to the campground, Claude was exhausted but quite excited at the prospect of tent time with Chuck. But Chuck insisted upon answering questions posed by his adoring fans. As the biggest supporter, Claude got to pose the questions.

"Mr. Norris, the theory of evolution states that Rana Norrista may simply not be able to adapt to the alien species invading the area. What are your thoughts?"

Norris faced the camera and jutted out his virile facial appendage, "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures I have allowed to live."

Claude cleared his throat nervously, "Uh, since the discovery of Rana Norrista in your beard have you read many books on the topic of rare frogs?"

"Not necessary Claude. I stare books down until I get the information I want." Norris answered smoothly.

Claude looked down at the next question on he list, " Given your new environmental agenda, do you still hunt?"

Chuck guffawed, " No Claude, I do not go hunting because the word hunting infers the probability of failure." He smiled charmingly "I go killing!"

When the session was over, Claude and Chuck actually did crawl into their spacious, high-end tent.

The crew settled down quickly until there was no sound outside of the tent but lapping water, buzzing mosquitoes, and an occasional ominous rumble and splash!

Claude watched Chuck strip to his boxers and Claude did the same. From the corner of his eye he could see Chuck following his movements. Wow! Maybe no magic would be necessary.

It was too hot to get under their sleeping bags. Chuck faced Claude, his eyes sweeping appreciatively over Claude's broad muscled chest and the corrugated leanness of his flat abdomen.

Claude returned the appreciative gaze, a lazy smile on his lips, " Are you going to sleep?"

Chuck looked at him with bedroom eyes, " Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits."

Claude's heart raced. "What are you waiting for Chuck?" He breathed.

Suddenly the air shimmered around Chuck and Ciaran, Claude's best Fae friend with benefits was snuggled up next to him.

"For you sweetheart, Happy 200th birthday! "

With a wave of his hand Ciaran transformed the tent into a canopied pavilion with a huge birthday cake complete with 200 candles.

Ciaran kissed Claude, "Your dough's already back in your bank account. Hope I didn't freak you out too much. It was so much fun seeing you so happy!" Ciaran glanced at Claude's boxers, " But you look a little, um, crestfallen now sugar."

Claude grinned at Ciaran, leaned forward, and whispered, " Just turn back into Chuck when the party's over!"


End file.
